From the notebook of 3rd sergeant Sng T.T:
“I never thought I’ll be witting in this dammed notebook again so soon. I got through pass call ups without having to, but this time I got bored having forgotten how much waiting actually goes on while in here.
Second day in and generally it has not been a joyful experience so far. It’s nothing against the training or my section-mates but there is more to it. At first one would be inclined to think that simply spending time wearing green is triggering it off. The problem is not the organization, but more to do with how I was like back when I was doing this full-time.
I’ve come a long way since the depression that I had back then, but there seem to be various factors this time around: it being the month of September, seeing various locations, experiencing the same sounds and smells, doing the same jobs; that are triggering the same thoughts again. Like a relapse if you will.
I’ve always had problems with depression. While I don’t need stuff like pills to fight it (at least I hope I don’t), it really kills the body and mind. That first year, I was just going through the motions…I’ll get up, go to work, come back, sleep, repeat. And the year after that, I may have done more than half of my degree but not without setbacks and failed steps…I wasn’t really focused. Started eating more and exercising less, was constantly distracted and didn’t feel motivated to do anything beyond what I just had to do. I would get depressed that I was feeling depressed and thus get even more depressed, you know? A terrible, terrible cycle.
Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if I didn’t have God for help, and then I remember…I was at the (razor’s) edge of doing something once, a long time ago, that I was fully capable and willing to do at the time. But even with help, that years that I have wasted away. And with the fallout of things that I did or didn’t do during those times, still affecting me till this day, I frankly no longer have anymore time to just slip through my fingers like so much sand. I’ve still got so much that I want to do or accomplish and if I take too long to reach them, I may never will.
It’s funny how I start thinking about all this when I’m in here. It’s like a caged animal who dreams of what it will do if he where to ever escape from it’s cage, only to just laze around and eat grass, enjoying but not getting anything done.
Maybe it’s time I stopped acting like an animal and start being a human.”
