I was talking to my friend CC from Second Life and she mentioned something that stuck me. Not so much so that it was surprising or unexpected, but in that it forces me to realize somethings that I may not want to.
She told me that from the first time that we had met, she had felt a sense of sadness from me and that she continues to feel it each time we talk and she was wondering about it.
Now I will not be so bold as to deny or agree with her straight off, but what really bordered me was that she was able to gather this sense through an electronic medium, from the other side of the planet, with nothing to go on but the words that I type, and to a lesser degree, the actions that I do in the Second Life world. You have to understand that no matter how realistic Second Life tries to be at times, the 3D avatars that are your stand ins when in-world do not perform any body language or show any emotion unless you want it to. And I’m sure I didn’t.
This lends to the second thing that disturbs me. If something whom I never even met face-to-face can detect it, what does it say about the friends that I have and do meet on a regular basis? Has this sadness become such a part of me that they can’t tell any difference anymore? Or they do know it but feel that they we are not close enough to me to talk to me about it, is my relationship with my friends that shallow? Either reason is something I would want to consider.
And lastly, it brings me back to the question Am I really sad? I will be the first to admit that I’m not completely happy with my current state in life, but then again, who is? Life needs a degree of bad times for us to appreciate the good times. True I may have been in instances where I have been badly hurt, but those times are neither uncommon nor recent. And I have been believing that I have been moving away from those times and carrying on with my life. Or is in the process of doing so. Read back the archives that show some part of the road that I had to take.
But now this forces me to ask if I am really doing so. Am I still stuck in that rut? If so, have I once again wasted years of my life wallowing in something that I cannot change and even if I did, would the outcome be any better or different? If it is true then where is my faith? In things that would be better and good for me?
And to top it all off, I just had bought a new CD and I just took a look at the lyrics for a one of the tracks that caught my attention.
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
(My Immortal by Evanescence)
